This post was actually started on Feb 2nd, and that was the last time I looked at my BLOG. But I am posting it now, even with the incompleteness of it all, because it may help someone to know that I was struggling.
I swore I would put up the good, the bad, and the ugly-but when I rant I tend to just walk away, because I don't want anyone to know I am weak.....so here it is-
"Well, it has hit me. The Plateau-and at the worst time ever :) of course!!!
1 week left in the competition, and I have been stuck at the same weight for almost a month. Granted, being laid up with the flu last week and then throwing out my back this past weekend is not making it easier-or my curse....
But not only that I am struggling with something that I know has always been in issue for me. While most "failures" fight a demon called : FEAR OF FAILURE, my affliction is completely on the opposite end of the scale. I suffer from a rare form of the disorder: FEAR OF SUCCESS.
Now I know you are saying " That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of!!!" but it is the closest I can come to explaining myself. I cannot think of a single thing in my life that I have ever done well. I screwed up a perfectly normal school career in the last 2 months-who does that? 13 years of school, achieving high marks, and I flunk out in the last 2 months?
I am a terrible housekeeper, because I can never seem to 'finish' anything-I just move on to the next. I couldn't even deliver babies-3 c-sections. ( Okay-so I REALLY had no control over that!!!)
I do really well-especially in weight loss, until someone says " You look awesome" or " I am so proud of you" Why is that?
I hear all the time how smart I am, how wonderful I am...I know on a conscious level that I have worth. But the fact is that on a sub-conscious level, I truly don't feel I deserve it.
So, while I want people to have faith in me, and see me for my finer points, I constantly sabotage everything so that people will expect less of me...only as much as I expect of myself..."
Here I am more than a month later, and I still don't have all of the answers-but everyday I realize I DO have worth, not just to those around me, but to myself as well.
I ended up coming in 3rd in the competition for a total loss during the Biggest Loser of 28lbs. I have maitainted the loss for over a month, and even managed at one point to lose another 2lbs-which put me at a grand total since July of 42lbs.
Now, that 2 is back, my vacation is over and it is time to make myself a priority in my own life again. Obviously, I didn't forget myself this time, otherwise the gain would be more significant.
Monday, it is time to start keeping track again! And, to start training for that 5k!!!
My goal is to be in the 150's by the first weekend in April. Feel free to send me an email to kick my @$$!!! jlearn72@gmail.com
Remember... everyday is a journey. Everyday is a gift-live your best life. You are worth it :)
J
Fear of Success ... I totally am on board with that. Great grades through school - barely passed to graduate. Member of wrestling and rugby teams - allowed my injuries to 'best' me so that I could drop out in my final year. University courses - great throughout, crap the bed on exams. House cleaning etc - great intentions, in fact I love it when everything is spotless ... but me too - drop the ball and things get half done or not quite done. I procrastinate because I fear having nothing to do. I work out religiously - until someone says 'hey you're doing great' then I figure 'good enough' and stop. I have goals set in my mind but am afraid to reach them ... so I totally understand what you mean.
ReplyDeleteNow, even though I know (since you said it!!) that this *may* not help ... you ARE looking fantastic. You ARE a wonderful mother, wife, and 'housekeeper'. You ARE an inspiration. YOU ARE worth it.
So umm ... keep at it!
That's the best butt kick I can do. :)
I am so proud of you for going through the Biggest Loser and completing it and for your amazing loss! You did so awesome!